Relax...seems easy enough, right?
well, i can honestly say that the word RELAX is no longer a part of my vocabulary anymore. at one time, i knew exactly how to relax & did alot of it...maybe i took those moments for granted, who knows. what i do know is that after jocelyn (my Angel...) came along, the word RELAX completely got erased from life.
there is NO SUCH THING as relaxing if you have an "AngelmanSyndrome" home like i do. as a matter of fact, right now as i'm typing this blog i'm having to watch my sweet little daughter from the corner of my eye...watching her as she is trying to escape out the back door...lol. luckily for me, she hasn't figured out how to get her wheelchair over that threshold just yet.
but anyways, back to my story. i am told by lots of people that i should "relax" more often. i usually just agree & go on...but inside i'm literally cracking up!! if they only knew...if they had even a tiny hint at what it's like living my so-called life...they would know better than to even suggest i relax.
there is no such thing as finding any time to relax when your constantly having to keep an eye on a little girl who knows no fear, who doesn't realize any dangers. there is no time to relax when you are trying to quickly fit in a fast-as-lightning shower before jocelyn gets up from a nap...joce's naps, or at least her time shut-up in her bedroom, is the ONLY time you have to fit in a shower...like i said, not very relaxing. it's also hard to relax when you're busy making sure that everything in & around your house is "Angelproof"...lol. it's a constant worry, trust me.
it's also not too relaxing knowing that at any time a stupid seizure can make itself present in your daughter's brain & literally take her from you. scary thoughts lead to worries...not relaxing. worrying about seizure meds, hoping they are gonna continue to keep working...what happens if these meds stop working, then what? it's always a constant battle, these seizures. it's not relaxing taking your child to the park for what you believe is gonna be some family fun...when deep down inside you know you're gonna have a freakin break down because you're gonna see all the other kids running & playing while your precious little girl is stuck in that stupid chair!! you will watch w/ envy as other little girls twirl, dance & prance around in their adorable little boutique outfits...knowing inside you choose not to buy those expensive sets because jocelyn will just crawl around on the ground & ruin them. it's not very relaxing knowing that you can't even take your family out to a restaurant for a nice dinner because you can't deal w/ all the stares you get. it's sure not relaxing feeling like your daughter is a part of some freak show...especially when you know she's not, she's so much more!!!
even while the kids are gone to school...you still don't relax. this is the time that you're rushing like crazy to get any & all errands done. this is the time that you are cleaning your home, doing laundry & all the house-hold chores so that you can be 100% available to your children when they return from school. even when someone else is taking care of joceln for a little while...this is still not time for me to relax, this is the time where i'm doing something w/ the boys, like baseball or football games/practices. there's no slowing down...there's no relaxing. the most relaxation i can find is LATE at night, when all kids have finally gone to bed & i have just an ounce of peace & quiet...however, these late night moments have a tendency to catch up w/ you come morning...then your super tired, so sometimes even relaxation has its downfall.
maybe someday i will be able to truly find a way to fit relaxing into my life. i think i need it, i know i deserve it...it's just a matter of finding a way & taking some time for myself. who would have ever thought RELAXING could be so stinking hard???
but anyways, back to my story. i am told by lots of people that i should "relax" more often. i usually just agree & go on...but inside i'm literally cracking up!! if they only knew...if they had even a tiny hint at what it's like living my so-called life...they would know better than to even suggest i relax.
there is no such thing as finding any time to relax when your constantly having to keep an eye on a little girl who knows no fear, who doesn't realize any dangers. there is no time to relax when you are trying to quickly fit in a fast-as-lightning shower before jocelyn gets up from a nap...joce's naps, or at least her time shut-up in her bedroom, is the ONLY time you have to fit in a shower...like i said, not very relaxing. it's also hard to relax when you're busy making sure that everything in & around your house is "Angelproof"...lol. it's a constant worry, trust me.
it's also not too relaxing knowing that at any time a stupid seizure can make itself present in your daughter's brain & literally take her from you. scary thoughts lead to worries...not relaxing. worrying about seizure meds, hoping they are gonna continue to keep working...what happens if these meds stop working, then what? it's always a constant battle, these seizures. it's not relaxing taking your child to the park for what you believe is gonna be some family fun...when deep down inside you know you're gonna have a freakin break down because you're gonna see all the other kids running & playing while your precious little girl is stuck in that stupid chair!! you will watch w/ envy as other little girls twirl, dance & prance around in their adorable little boutique outfits...knowing inside you choose not to buy those expensive sets because jocelyn will just crawl around on the ground & ruin them. it's not very relaxing knowing that you can't even take your family out to a restaurant for a nice dinner because you can't deal w/ all the stares you get. it's sure not relaxing feeling like your daughter is a part of some freak show...especially when you know she's not, she's so much more!!!
even while the kids are gone to school...you still don't relax. this is the time that you're rushing like crazy to get any & all errands done. this is the time that you are cleaning your home, doing laundry & all the house-hold chores so that you can be 100% available to your children when they return from school. even when someone else is taking care of joceln for a little while...this is still not time for me to relax, this is the time where i'm doing something w/ the boys, like baseball or football games/practices. there's no slowing down...there's no relaxing. the most relaxation i can find is LATE at night, when all kids have finally gone to bed & i have just an ounce of peace & quiet...however, these late night moments have a tendency to catch up w/ you come morning...then your super tired, so sometimes even relaxation has its downfall.
maybe someday i will be able to truly find a way to fit relaxing into my life. i think i need it, i know i deserve it...it's just a matter of finding a way & taking some time for myself. who would have ever thought RELAXING could be so stinking hard???
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