I am the Child...

I am the Child

i am the child who cannot talk.  you often pity me.  i see it in your eyes.  you wonder how much i am aware of...i see that as well.  i am aware of much...whether you are happy or sad or fearful, patient or impatient, full of love and desire, or if you are just doing your duty by me.  i marvel at your frustration, knowing mine to be far greater, for i cannot express myself or my needs as you do.  you cannot conceive my isolation, so complete it is at times.  i do not gift you with clever conversation, cute remarks to be laughed over and repeated.  i do not give you answers to your everyday questions, responses over my well-being, sharing my needs, or comments about the world around me.  i do not give you rewards as defined by the world's standards...great strides in development that you can credit yourself.  i do not give you understanding as you know it.  what i give you is so much more valuable...i give you instead opportunities.  opportunities to discover the depth of your character, not mine; the depth of your love, your commitment, your patience, your abilities; the opportunity to explore your spirit more deeply than you imagined possible.  i drive you further than you would ever do on your own, working harder, seeking answers to your many questions, creating questions with no answers.  i am the child who cannot talk.

i am the child who cannot walk.  the world sometimes seems to pass me by.  you see the longing in my eyes to get out of this chair, to run and play like other children.  there is much you take for granted.  i want the toys on the shelf.  i need to go to the bathroom.  oh, i've dropped my fork again.  i am dependant on you in these ways.  my gift to you is to make you aware of your great fortune, your healthy back and legs, your ability to do for yourself.  sometimes people appear not to notice; i always notice them.  i feel not so much envy as desire, desire to stand upright, to put one foot in front of the other, to be independent.  i give you awareness.  i am the child who cannot walk.

i am the child who is mentally impaired.  i don't learn easily, if you judge me by the world's measuring stick.  what i do know is infinite joy in the simple things.  i am not burdened as you are with strife and conflicts of a more complicated life.  my gift to you is to grant you the freedom to enjoy things as a child, to teach you how much your arms around me mean, to give you love.  i give you the gift of simplicity.  i am the child who is mentally impaired.

i am the disabled child.  i am your teacher.  if you allow me, i will teach you what is really important in life.  i will give you and teach you unconditional love.  i gift you with my innocent trust, my dependency upon you.  i teach you of respect for others and their uniqueness.  i teach you about the sanctity of life.  i teach you about how very precious this life is and about not taking things for granted.  i teach you about forgetting your own needs and desires and dreams.  i teach you giving.  most of all, i teach you hope and faith.  i am the disabled child.

It May Not Be Florida...But It's Still a BEACH!!!

Devin, Jocelyn & Logan at Kerr Beach

It seems like every family except mine has been to one of the many beautiful beaches in Florida this summer.  All those beach pictures i've been seeing on facebook have me full of envy.  Well, let's face it...a wonderful Florida vacation is completely out of the question for us, so i decided to make the best of it & load the kids up & head out to Kerr Beach.  It may not be Florida, but hey, it's got sand & water & that's all we needed to beat the heat. 

The kids really did have a good time.  I LOVED watching Jocelyn have so much fun.  I was so happy that she could get right in there & swim with her brothers.  It's the little things like seeing Jocelyn be a part of the group & not be left out that truly does bring happiness to my heart.  She had a BLAST!!  I want to share some pictures from our trip out to Kerr Beach:

how cute is jocelyn in this picture???  TOO CUTE!!!

logan enjoying his time at the BEACH...he was happy even though we weren't somewhere truly tropical :)

poor devin...jocelyn was playing a little too rough!!!

but he's a good sport...here he is helping sissy swim

We even wrote their names in the sand...

Even though it wasn't a true Caribbean get-a-way, it was still a nice break from the stresses of everyday life.  Just being able to enjoy family & be surrounded by God's beautiful handiwork is great medicine for your soul. I'm so thankful to be able to show my children the true beauty of nature, even nature that's in our own backyard.

jocelyn abigail

my little "Angelfish"...

another special memory from "Jocelyn's Journey"

my sweet kiddos

Just remember, you don't have to go hundreds of miles away to enjoy yourself.  There's lots of fun to be had right around the corner!!! 

Our Drive to Fin & Feather and Tenkiller/Pine Cove

we had a great time this past sunday...we took a drive up to Fin & Feather and then went to Tenkiller State Park.  i think we were happy to just get out of the house.  our 100+ temps this summer have been just awful...we're ready for some cooler weather for sure!!

here's jocelyn enjoying her time at the park

logan had a fun time too

my beautiful jocelyn abigail...prettiest ANGEL ever!!

i love this little guy

she was climbing all over the playground...i love to see her have so much fun!

"Life Ain't Always Beautiful"

     i've been doing alot of thinking lately...ALOT!!  tons of thoughts running thru my mind about life & how we all have our own lives to lead & how we all have different personalities & qualities that make our life what it is.  i've also thought about how some of us have had huge hurdles to jump, whereas others haven't had much jumping to endure. 

     i've tried to reason out why some people have more of a laid back life while others seem to just struggle so much.  i'm not so sure that it's just that simple...i think it also has alot to do w/ how we as individuals handle obstacles & challenges we face.  i will admit that my life as a whole has been pretty much on the rougher side...growing up w/ a single mom, not alot of $$$, having just what you need, your dad not in the picture for the most part...it can be hard on a kid.  but somehow i managed to make it thru school ok.  not sure how, but i pulled off making the football cheerleading squad (which back in the early 90's at good 'ol Sallisaw High was saying something!!!)  thank goodness for sweet tokens like that to help an extremely self-conscious girl keep her head up in a world she felt so small in.  nothing like being the only girl on the cheer squad who had to have an after-school job in order to buy the right brand of clothes...no way was my mom gonna spend that kind of cash on shirts or jeans, & now having my own kids, i can so see why!!  but i wanted what i thought was the right kind of clothes to keep me welcome in my circle of friends, so a job at the local Pizza Hut was in order.  i can remember feeling so out of place most of the time within the realm of cheerleading.  i mean, my dad wasn't a dentist, lawyer or football coach; shoot, my dad was never around, he was long gone by the time i made cheerleader...my mom wasn't a stay-at-home "soccer mom" type, she worked hard all the time.  i came from a broken home w/ a broken bank account.  but i made it thru.  i got up everyday, put on my clothes that my waitress job paid for, & went to school w/ the fakest smile ever.  sure, to everyone i seemed happy, real put together.  but behind that smile was fear.  fear of never fitting in, fear of people judging me because i didn't have the right house in the best neighborhood or my parents didn't have the right job.  thank goodness high school came & went as fast as it did.  that whole trying to fit in aura is downright awful. 

     now fast-forward to adult life...talk about some major bad choices resulting in some real bad outcomes, but luckily i've learned to deal w/ what has come & made the best of life as i know it now.  i won't go into details, some things are better left unsaid...& that's where my deepest faults & failures will remain, unsaid.  however, i will share w/ you the feelings i have encountered along my journey into adulthood.  i have experienced love, heartache, betrayal, compassion, regret, empathy, anger, forgiveness.  forgiveness, there's a powerful word...not only do we need to be forgiven sometimes, but we must also be willing to forgive others as well.  i have walked both sides of this fence to the fullest...i have done wrong & i have been treated wrongly.  john & i have both made drastic choices that resulted in heartache for one another...but thru forgiveness we have endured & i am thankful that we have been able to be so giving to one another.  that being said, i think life can be smoother sailing without all the pain & anger that we sometimes hoard within ourselves.  for instance, my father has not always been the best father to me or my brother.  it took many years for me to truly get over the "let down" feeling i had towards him.  but over time i have finally felt the need to just "let it all go"...it was yesterday, today is here now...live for now.  it's all in the way you accept what has occured in your life & how you will react to those things & how you move on towards your future. 

     i think the most challenging thing EVER thrown into my life is the disorder that my sweet jocelyn must endure.  i say that jocelyn endures it because i believe that is exactly what she is doing...enduring.  she is trapped in this little body that doesn't work like mine & yours.  she has so much she wants to say & do, but she just can't, her body just won't allow it.  i can honestly say i feel ashamed right now...ashamed because usually i get frustrated about her disorder due to the chaos it has caused to MY life & not so much hers.  i constantly dwell on the things that I'M missing out on, but look at what all jocelyn must sacrifice.  she goes without a voice, while i have mine.  her legs do not work the way mine do.    she still must use a diaper & she's 7.  you know, many people have had struggles, some worse than others.  i feel like i have really gotten down lately due to joce's disorder...i have sat for the past few days & just dwelled on the negative things that angelman syndrome has brought into my life.  enough is enough...i have to get over this.  i need to wake up everyday ready to face the world & life i now own...the world that has been in existence for centuries & my life that has always been but i hid away for awhile.  i must learn to take on life boldly w/ my disabled daughter right by my side.  i must be reminded of the LIGHT my daughter brings into such a dark & sometimes ugly world...i have to hold on to her light in order to make my life a brighter place to be. 

     i will continue to remind myself that i am truly blessed.  i'm not homeless...i have a home.  i'm not lonely...i have a beautiful & loving family.  i'm not hungry...i have food & drinks in my pantry & fridge.  i'm not sick...i'm healthy, i have no disorder, disease or ailment of any kind.  i'm not blind...i can see all the many wonders of this earth, i can see the beauty that God put here in nature.  i should be humbled in all that i have truly been blessed with...many times i want more of the things that this world has to offer, like fancy clothes, exotic trips, new SUV's, a cabin at the lake; when really i just need to slow down & think about what is the most important things to value.  i'm glad that God put it on my heart to reflect on the negative things i've encountered thruout my life, but i'm even more glad that He has helped me to put it all behind me.  He has showed me the true meaning of life & how to make mine the happiest it can be.  i hope that those who have taken the time to read this will also be able to find the true happiness that lies within...it's all about how we choose to respond to the life we've been given.  happiness can be found, if only you truly look for it.  reminds me of that gary allan song..."But the struggles make me stronger, & the changes make me wise, and HAPPINESS has its own way of taking its sweet time.  No life ain't always beautiful, tears will fall sometimes, life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride."

Our Nature Hike

Jocelyn Abigail WALKING on our Nature Hike

i took the kids to the Vian Wildlife Refuge yesterday so we could go on a nature hike.  the temps had finally dropped a little after having a cool front come thru, so we took advantage of the somewhat cooler weather. 

i was so excited to see jocelyn WALKING down the trail w/ us...FINALLY!!  she didn't get to make it with the walker for the entire hike, but not because she didn't want to.  she just wanted to get off the trail & into the creek!!  i couldn't keep her on the trail, so back to the car we went to exchange the walker for her wheelchair.  she still had a blast...i think she was just glad to finally get out of the house!

the boys had fun too.  logan likes to read all the information signs that lets you know all the different species of plants & animals that live there.  he gets so excited looking for bobcats, deer & swamp rabbits.  i myself am hoping to NEVER encounter a bobcat while on the nature trail.  i have ran across a family of armadillos on the trail before...at first i was a little scared, only because i had no idea if they would try to attack us, but it was just a momma & her 3 babies & they sure were cute.  yesterday we did see lots of butterflies, frogs, birds & dragonflies on our hike.  we had a nice time enjoying the beauty of nature.

Logan ready to start the hike

a dragonfly we found during our hike

Logan was checking out different types of leaves along the trail...this was his BIG one!!

Devin at the lookout area of the trail

Logan at the lookout

Jocelyn enjoying her time at the lookout

Logan Nathanael

Jocelyn keeping hydrated in the heat!!

Devin pushing Jocelyn along the trail

Logan by some really cool looking vines...he said he was in the JUNGLE!!!

Logan, Devin & Jocelyn

The Verdict Heard Round the World...

well, i just witnessed history today...some really bad history!!!  can you believe the jury found Casey Anthony NOT GUILTY???  what in the world is wrong w/ those people??? 

i truly wish i had never followed this case...i let it consume my life for the past 30+ days & now i am beyond disgusted w/ today's verdict.  i would like to personally interview each & every one of those jurors...i NEED them to explain to me why they felt this evil girl deserved to walk.  did they not see & hear the same evidence that i did?  i mean, the trial was televised...i saw the same evidence, i heard the same testimony & i was so convinced she'd receive a guilty verdict...how let down my household was today.

i guess i should explain that my 13 year old son has been following this case w/ me.  i felt this was a great way to show him how the judicial process in our country works...it's all been televised, so he sees firsthand how these court proceedings work.  he definitely got involved.  he would even wake up each morning ready to watch. 

well, yesterday was the end of closing arguments & we couldn't wait for that guilty verdict.  all the evidence was there!!!  court adjourned, jury deliberation was put on hold for the 4th of July festivities.  we patiently waited until today, to see history made...history was made alright, just not the history that we wanted.  NOT GUILTY...are you kidding me???  i'm still in shock!!  even devin was let down, he was sure she was guilty.  he asked me why it was ok for that girl to kill her daughter, but not to lie?  can you believe that, he has a point.  it's like the jurors thought it was ok for her to abuse her child, but not to lie to law enforcement.  that's the message they sent to my son.  now he's so confused & i don't blame him.  how am i supposed to make him feel confident in our judicial system now?  how will i ever convince him that most people who commit crimes go to jail.  he even asked me why some people who get drug charges spend more time in jail than she will.  good question...

hopefully devin will get on w/ his life & not let this case consume his life as i have.  he will be starting 8th grade in about a month, & i just want him to have fun & be a kid.  maybe getting him interested in this case was a bad idea on my part, but i honestly just wanted him to learn a little about our court system & i also thought that someday, when he was grown he may be watching a documentary on "Casey Anthony" & he would say, "i remember watching that w/ my mom, i still remember when they said GUILTY"...well, looks like his memory will be the exact opposite.  i guess his recollection will go a little something like this..."i remember when that witch got away w/ murder..."  oh well, i guess at least now he understands how courts work & how it's super important to have a lawyer to convince jurors you're innocent even when you're not.

i guess for myself, my opinion on all of this is that i'm disgusted w/ the verdict.  i'm disgusted w/ Casey Anthony.  i've cried many tears today for caylee, more than her mother ever has.  i've thought about that sweet little 2 year old, how she was perfect in every way.  how she had no disorder, no defect.  perfection.  as you all know, my daughter has angelman syndrome...she has severe developmental delay.  i love her so much, but i can't help but wish she had no disorder...that she was perfectly healthy just like caylee was.  casey has no idea the gift she had in that little girl, she never appreciated the fact that her daughter was perfect in every way.  she took for granted that her daughter could walk & would soon be talking to her.  she only saw her child as a burden, someone who got in the way of a lifestyle she so badly wanted.  i am jealous of what casey had been given, i'm jealous that her daughter could function 100% but mine cannot.  someone posted on facebook today that people need to cut casey some slack...well, she was cut some slack.  God cut her some slack when He gave her a PERFECT in every way child.  some of us moms have harder things to bear...we have disorders & deformities to deal with.  heaven forbid caylee had a disorder, she probably wouldn't even made it to age 2.  some moms have their child taken from them by SIDS or some other tragedy...their hearts ache for their child to return to them.  not casey, she has never grieved once that i've seen.  how evil one must be to show no sorrow for your dead child.  i could go on & on for hours, maybe even days why i think casey anthony was guilty or why i think she's evil.  but i think most of you feel the same as i do.  if you don't, well, i just don't get your mind set.  what i do know is that we all answer for our actions...God will ultimately be the final judge for casey & God is a just God!!!

R.I.P. Caylee Marie Anthony

Sweet, Lovely Child...

Arkansas Naturals Game & Fireworks

Devin @ the Arkansas Naturals Game

Devin's entire baseball team went to watch the Arkansas Naturals...they even got to tour the stadium & be on the field during the National Anthem.  I got to go & also took Logan & my mom, we had a good time.  We really just love to watch baseball!! 

Gans All-Stars Baseball Team on the Arvest Ballpark Field

Devin & his friend Isaac...Isaac got a foul ball

Logan Nathanael

We also got to see a great fireworks show! It seems like every year, around the 4th of July, we always end up at a ballpark that puts on a great fireworks show.  Each time i remind myself that somewhere out there, people are hearing those same loud bangs; only it's bombs & war, not fireworks. I can't help but feel somewhat guilty...like, i'm sitting here in this nice ballpark w/ my family, enjoying a beautiful fireworks show, while so many of our country's men & women are serving in our armed forces, away from their loved ones, fighting for our nation. With every bang & every burst of radiant color, i am reminded that our freedom is far from free. I guess for me, i feel as though our traditional celebrations are borderline bittersweet...i'm proud to be American & i enjoy all of our festivities, but at the same time I feel like maybe we take all of this for granted. I hope as you & your family celebrate the 4th of July this year, you will take the time to remember those that have made our freedom possible...those past & present.