Questions I Have, But I Bet Can Never Be Answered...

i've been thinking about so many things lately...things of importance & things that really don't matter.  things that make me cry & things that make me smile. things that happened LONG ago & things that happened yesterday.  as i think about all these things, it brings many questions to my mind.  some questions seem selfish, & some seem petty...but they are my questions, they are things i would truly like to know...but i'm smart enough to realize that even though i'd like to have explanations for these things, i probably won't get any.  maybe someday, when i'm face to face with Jesus, He will give me some kind of closure to these questions that i can't seem to get out of my mind, these haunting thoughts that can at times ruin my day.  maybe i'm wrong, but i feel as if i'm entitled to know why i went thru the struggles & challenges that i have been given...why things didn't always work out the way i would have liked...why certain people in my life were less than helpful & caring.  i have a few questions that i hope can be answered by God someday:

1. Why did my mother have to raise my brother & i by herself?

2. Why did my father choose alcohol & the party lifestyle over being a father to me & michael?

3. Why do some dads leave their own family, just to raise someone else's kids?

4. Why did i always feel inferior to all the other girls in my grade at school? Why did i have to carry such a low self-esteem even though i was smart & had many friends?

5. Why did You encourage me to go to college if Your plan for me was to be a stay-at-home mom of a child w/ special needs?

6. Why did my daughter have to be missing a piece of her Chromosome 15? Why did Angelman Syndrome have to shake up my life? Why do women that don't give a crap about their kids have perfectly healthy children, how can they be so blessed when they don't even appreciate their blessings? Some women can't even have children & they would make the best mother in the world...i just don't get it.

7. Is Jocelyn's disorder a punishment for something i've done in my past?  if so, i feel terrible...she NEVER deserved this!!!

8. Is it possible for someone to care about you even if they don't truly show it?  Will i ever know if they cared, will they finally be able to show emotion or am i staying somewhere that i'm truly not wanted? Have i wasted a large part of my life? man, i sure hope not...

9. If You knew my daughter would be disabled, then why not give me the kind of husband that would be more compassionate to Jocelyn's & even my needs? Why have You not softened John's heart yet, isn't that what Jocelyn should do for a father...soften his heart?

10. How come when Jocelyn has been terribly ill, laying there having seizure after seizure, the kind that can KILL or when she's had crazy metabolic disorders where her body was so toxic that she was in ICU & i was terrified that she may be leaving the hospital in a hearse...how come my father wasn't there to be w/ me, to reassure me that everything would be ok, to sit there & wait it out w/ me...the way he's been there for Brittany? Isn't Jocelyn just as important as Hayden? Doesn't he love her as much? I'm sure he does...but i still get confused. Is this petty?  maybe so, but it's honestly how i feel, some things i've been thinking about. I've even thought about what would have happened if Hayden had to be in a wheelchair, what it would do to Brittany, my dad & judy. i know it would crush them, it's a horrible reality...a wheelchair.  but i've been dealing with a wheelchair for so long now & it just seems like an almost normal way of life for us. i think people forget that it still hurts my heart every time i put jocelyn in that chair...it just reminds me that she's different, that her legs don't work like ours. Why God, do i have to feel this way? Why do i feel like i walk down a road so so bumpy, but no one notices? No one sees me hurt, no one knows how much i cry. No one knows how many times i've prayed for my daughter to say "momma", just one time even. Why do i feel so alone? What is Your plan in this Lord, please let me know!!!

11. Why do some people have children & immediately grow up & be a parent, like myself...yet others, never fully assume that role as mother or father? They must rely so much on their parents' or someone else's help...i guess i just don't understand why providing for children comes so naturally for some & so confusing for others. i will ask again, Lord, if you knew i would be responsible w/ my children, why didn't i have a little girl who could sing & dance?  i know this is Your will, but help me to understand...

12. Why do so many mothers out there seem to be more concerned w/ material things than the true meaning of being a MOTHER? i myself get so offended when i have to listen to women complain about such stupid things, especially when i have to put my daughter in a wheelchair each & everyday...not to mention, i've never heard her say one word, that's right, not even one!!

13. Why do some people just have it so EASY in this life & others literally just struggle & struggle & struggle? i wish i knew how You saw everything, i wish i could truly understand Your plan...but i can't. 

BUT someday i will ask you these things, someday i will expect You to give me some answers to my questions. You will make it all clear for me...You will show me how i have done Your work, how i remained faithful & for what purpose. how Jocelyn's life touched so many people & brought them closer to You, she shares Your message of love without even saying one word.  maybe i understand more than i realize...with each passing day You show me more & more about Your plan. i thank you for being my Saviour, i thank you for listening to me...even when i'm mad, even when i feel sorry for myself...You are the Way, the Truth & the Light...thank you for guiding my path so faithfully!!!