"Life Ain't Always Beautiful"

     i've been doing alot of thinking lately...ALOT!!  tons of thoughts running thru my mind about life & how we all have our own lives to lead & how we all have different personalities & qualities that make our life what it is.  i've also thought about how some of us have had huge hurdles to jump, whereas others haven't had much jumping to endure. 

     i've tried to reason out why some people have more of a laid back life while others seem to just struggle so much.  i'm not so sure that it's just that simple...i think it also has alot to do w/ how we as individuals handle obstacles & challenges we face.  i will admit that my life as a whole has been pretty much on the rougher side...growing up w/ a single mom, not alot of $$$, having just what you need, your dad not in the picture for the most part...it can be hard on a kid.  but somehow i managed to make it thru school ok.  not sure how, but i pulled off making the football cheerleading squad (which back in the early 90's at good 'ol Sallisaw High was saying something!!!)  thank goodness for sweet tokens like that to help an extremely self-conscious girl keep her head up in a world she felt so small in.  nothing like being the only girl on the cheer squad who had to have an after-school job in order to buy the right brand of clothes...no way was my mom gonna spend that kind of cash on shirts or jeans, & now having my own kids, i can so see why!!  but i wanted what i thought was the right kind of clothes to keep me welcome in my circle of friends, so a job at the local Pizza Hut was in order.  i can remember feeling so out of place most of the time within the realm of cheerleading.  i mean, my dad wasn't a dentist, lawyer or football coach; shoot, my dad was never around, he was long gone by the time i made cheerleader...my mom wasn't a stay-at-home "soccer mom" type, she worked hard all the time.  i came from a broken home w/ a broken bank account.  but i made it thru.  i got up everyday, put on my clothes that my waitress job paid for, & went to school w/ the fakest smile ever.  sure, to everyone i seemed happy, real put together.  but behind that smile was fear.  fear of never fitting in, fear of people judging me because i didn't have the right house in the best neighborhood or my parents didn't have the right job.  thank goodness high school came & went as fast as it did.  that whole trying to fit in aura is downright awful. 

     now fast-forward to adult life...talk about some major bad choices resulting in some real bad outcomes, but luckily i've learned to deal w/ what has come & made the best of life as i know it now.  i won't go into details, some things are better left unsaid...& that's where my deepest faults & failures will remain, unsaid.  however, i will share w/ you the feelings i have encountered along my journey into adulthood.  i have experienced love, heartache, betrayal, compassion, regret, empathy, anger, forgiveness.  forgiveness, there's a powerful word...not only do we need to be forgiven sometimes, but we must also be willing to forgive others as well.  i have walked both sides of this fence to the fullest...i have done wrong & i have been treated wrongly.  john & i have both made drastic choices that resulted in heartache for one another...but thru forgiveness we have endured & i am thankful that we have been able to be so giving to one another.  that being said, i think life can be smoother sailing without all the pain & anger that we sometimes hoard within ourselves.  for instance, my father has not always been the best father to me or my brother.  it took many years for me to truly get over the "let down" feeling i had towards him.  but over time i have finally felt the need to just "let it all go"...it was yesterday, today is here now...live for now.  it's all in the way you accept what has occured in your life & how you will react to those things & how you move on towards your future. 

     i think the most challenging thing EVER thrown into my life is the disorder that my sweet jocelyn must endure.  i say that jocelyn endures it because i believe that is exactly what she is doing...enduring.  she is trapped in this little body that doesn't work like mine & yours.  she has so much she wants to say & do, but she just can't, her body just won't allow it.  i can honestly say i feel ashamed right now...ashamed because usually i get frustrated about her disorder due to the chaos it has caused to MY life & not so much hers.  i constantly dwell on the things that I'M missing out on, but look at what all jocelyn must sacrifice.  she goes without a voice, while i have mine.  her legs do not work the way mine do.    she still must use a diaper & she's 7.  you know, many people have had struggles, some worse than others.  i feel like i have really gotten down lately due to joce's disorder...i have sat for the past few days & just dwelled on the negative things that angelman syndrome has brought into my life.  enough is enough...i have to get over this.  i need to wake up everyday ready to face the world & life i now own...the world that has been in existence for centuries & my life that has always been but i hid away for awhile.  i must learn to take on life boldly w/ my disabled daughter right by my side.  i must be reminded of the LIGHT my daughter brings into such a dark & sometimes ugly world...i have to hold on to her light in order to make my life a brighter place to be. 

     i will continue to remind myself that i am truly blessed.  i'm not homeless...i have a home.  i'm not lonely...i have a beautiful & loving family.  i'm not hungry...i have food & drinks in my pantry & fridge.  i'm not sick...i'm healthy, i have no disorder, disease or ailment of any kind.  i'm not blind...i can see all the many wonders of this earth, i can see the beauty that God put here in nature.  i should be humbled in all that i have truly been blessed with...many times i want more of the things that this world has to offer, like fancy clothes, exotic trips, new SUV's, a cabin at the lake; when really i just need to slow down & think about what is the most important things to value.  i'm glad that God put it on my heart to reflect on the negative things i've encountered thruout my life, but i'm even more glad that He has helped me to put it all behind me.  He has showed me the true meaning of life & how to make mine the happiest it can be.  i hope that those who have taken the time to read this will also be able to find the true happiness that lies within...it's all about how we choose to respond to the life we've been given.  happiness can be found, if only you truly look for it.  reminds me of that gary allan song..."But the struggles make me stronger, & the changes make me wise, and HAPPINESS has its own way of taking its sweet time.  No life ain't always beautiful, tears will fall sometimes, life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride."