School's Out...Summer is Here!!!

i love the final days of the school year, seems a little more laid-back & full of so many FUN things for the kids. i'm a little behind on sharing, but we definitely had lots of fun stuff going on, lots of good memories being made. track meets, banquets, awards assembly, graduations...

Logan in the relay races





Logan & his friends

 Devin received his "Greenhand Degree" in FFA...



isn't he HANDSOME???



Jocelyn got the "Diamond Pride Award" for PERSEVERANCE...so proud of her too!!!

& Devin's best friend, Hunter, graduated...we will definitely be missing him next year!!!

super glad that it's SummerBreak. we can slow things down a bit & not feel so stinkin' rushed for awhile, FINALLY. i do want to say how PROUD of my kiddos i am...they each had passing grades & have been promoted to the next level =) so i now have a soon to be Sophomore (crazy...), 4th grader, & 3rd grader. time sure is flying right by...way too fast if you ask me!

now we are gonna relax & enjoy our SUMMER & make the best memories & FUN as possible. i hope everyone out there has a GREAT summer as well!! enjoy =)

Gotta Get This ATTITUDE In Check

i've been doing alot of thinking about the ATTITUDE i've been carrying around for the past few days. can't say that i'm too proud of it at all, it's been down-right awful to tell the truth. i know that life can sometimes get ugly & unfortunately the past few days for me have been just HORRIBLE...but that's still no excuse for exhibiting an ugly attitude to everyone around you...even when your bad mood comes from the very people you happen to be around.

 

there is no doubt in my mind that i need to have some serious HEART TO HEART chats w/ God right away, i can literally feel my sanity & faith just slipping away...i absolutely hate when i start to feel so down & fed up & just pissed off at life in general, i feel super guilty that i let those emotions/negativity creep up on me like that & i'm even more embarrassed by the ugly attitude that comes w/ it. i even have my "moments" where i tell God (not so nicely either) what i think about His plan & timing...BUT thank goodness He understands that i'm just human & that i react so childishly out of fear & pain, thank goodness He forgives me for my bad attitude & judgmental behavior, & even better He answers me w/ just what i need to hear...THE TRUTH!! sometimes keeping our faith is tough, but that's really the only HOPE we have...

 

i am determined as ever to make this evening SO MUCH BETTER than what last night brought me...i have prayed & put all my cares/worries in God's hands, He knows my heart & knows my needs. i can only hope that my boys understand & forgive my tension, my bad attitude, my sometimes crazy demands as an "expect too much" mom. i don't want to blame Jocelyn's AS for all the stress, but it is a big part of it, i just hope the boys can understand that.

 

i really do LOVE my kids, but i'm afraid that sometimes they may think i don't love them at all. & i will be honest, i have snapped & said things in the past 2 days that i wish had never come out of my mouth...but i am human. i am a mother of 3 ACTIVE kids, i am trying to juggle all the demands of a typical mom by myself...BUT at the same time i am trying to hold myself together & care for the most beautiful little girl who has AngelmanSyndrome...& trust me, AS is demanding. so sometimes i get frustrated & just hit that "level" that's almost over the edge. i have found myself displaying attitudes that are just not right or healthy. & for the sake of my kids & my sanity, i vow to let go of the stress....i vow to walk away, laugh it off, tell God to take charge & deal w/ the crap. my kids deserve better than a mom who's mad at the world.

 

Definitely gotta get this ATTITUDE in check!!

Gotta be the BEST MOM i can be!!!

Back 2 Blogging...Back 2 School!!!

it's been a LONG time since i've blogged...i feel bad about that, but i guess i just let life get too busy =)

as most of you know, i'm now a SingleMomma, so TIME is priceless to me!!! that may be one reason i've neglected keeping up w/ my blog, & maybe because i've been a little down about the path my life has taken over the past 11 months...but now i'm ready to get back into the habit of sharing our LIFE'S ADVENTURES w/ all of you!!! i'm proud of who i am, proud of my kiddos & that's all that really matters. so, let's get started by sharing some Back2School pics!!!

here's Logan...Jocelyn...Devin on the FIRST day of school!!!

(love these kids w/ my whole heart...)

if you can believe this, i have a HIGH SCHOOLER now...for real, Devin is a FRESHMAN!!! where has the time gone??? here's my handsome guys ready to kick off the new school year:

Jocelyn started 3rd grade @ a new school w/ all new teachers & staff...but she had a GREAT first day!!

Logan started 2nd grade!! he was super excited to see all his friends again =)



i'm just glad we got the school year started off w/ no problems at all!!! i can only hope that the stress-free days we've been having continues for a LONG time =) 

  

Sweetest 12 Days of Christmas Ever!!!

On the FIRST day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me:
a child with a disability.

... On the SECOND day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me:
a heart full of love for my child with a disability.

On the THIRD day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me:
an ache in my heart and a heart full of love for my child with a disability.

On the FOURTH day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me:
a tear in my eyes, an ache in my heart and a heart full of love for
my child with a disability.

On the FIFTH day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me:
an unsuspected strength for the tear in my eyes and the ache in my heart
and my heart full of love for my child with a disability.

On the SIXTH day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me:
a ray of hope, an unsuspected strength for the tear in my eyes and the
ache in my heart and my heart full of love for my child with a disability.

On the SEVENTH day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me:
a sense of humor, a ray of hope, an unsuspected strength for the tear in
my eyes and the ache in my heart and my heart full of love for my child
with a disability.

On the EIGHTH day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me:
supportive friends, a sense of humor, a ray of hope, an unsuspected
strength for the tear in my eyes and the ache in my heart and my heart
full of love for my child with a disability.

On the NINTH day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me:
remarkable teachers, supportive friends, a sense of humor, a ray of
hope, an unsuspected strength for the tear in my eyes and the ache in my
heart and my heart full of love for my child with a disability.

On the TENTH day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me:
an appreciation of small accomplishments, remarkable teachers,
supportive friends, a sense of humor, a ray of hope, an unsuspected
strength for the tear in my eyes and the ache in my heart and my heart
full of love for my child with a disability.

On the ELEVENTH day of Christmas, the good Lord gave to me:
a sense of pride, an appreciation of small accomplishments, remarkable
teachers, supportive friends, a sense of humor, a ray of hope, an
unsuspected strength for the tear in my eyes and the ache in my heart
and my heart full of love for my child with a disability.

On the TWELFTH day of Christmas, the good Lord said to me:
Reach out and SHARE your sense of pride, your appreciation of small
accomplishments, your remarkable teachers, your supportive friends, your
sense of humor, your ray of hope, your unsuspected strength for the tear
in your eyes and the ache in your heart and your heart full of love for
your child with a disability

It Won't be Easy, But it is Possible...

i'm feeling a little down today...ok, more than a little, ALOT! it's about 3 months now that i've been a Single Momma & i think it's just now really hitting me. this is not a time when the phrase "Better Late Than Never" comes into play...i would have rather it been NEVER that i had to feel like this. but the pain has hit & it hit hard. of course, Christmas is right around the corner & i guess i'm not looking forward to how that day is gonna feel. it already feels yucky, just sitting here alone on a friday nite, looking at my lit up tree & the packages, it's real pretty...but i feel so completely alone. the boys are with their grandma & jocelyn is already in bed, LONELY is where i am.

i have decided that "getting over" someone is a tough process. if i could get over it real quick that would probably signify that i wasn't truly in love to begin with. but this pain is real & the disappointment i find in john & in myself is horrid. i tried, Lord knows i tried to make it work...but marriage is a partnership & i didn't have much of a partner. sometimes things end, sometimes things change. as for me, i'm very hurt. my heart will need some time for healing to take place. right now it's so very broken. very very broken...

but i believe that's why i have this entire winter to "hibernate" so to speak. to lay low & truly find myself again. to build myself back up, to become me again. with each passing day i find new hurts & emotions, but i also attain more strength. Another Day Stronger...that's what i keep reminding myself. one day at a time, one minute if that's what it takes. i will spend these next few months reflecting on what i really want from life, what i want to do with my world to make my own happiness. i need time to get over what's happened...i need lots of time to truly "let go". it won't be easy, but it is POSSIBLE!

RELAX...& just what does that mean again???

Relax...seems easy enough, right?

well, i can honestly say that the word RELAX is no longer a part of my vocabulary anymore.  at one time, i knew exactly how to relax & did alot of it...maybe i took those moments for granted, who knows.  what i do know is that after jocelyn (my Angel...) came along, the word RELAX completely got erased from life.

there is NO SUCH THING as relaxing if you have an "AngelmanSyndrome" home like i do.  as a matter of fact, right now as i'm typing this blog i'm having to watch my sweet little daughter from the corner of my eye...watching her as she is trying to escape out the back door...lol. luckily for me, she hasn't figured out how to get her wheelchair over that threshold just yet. 

but anyways, back to my story. i am told by lots of people that i should "relax" more often. i usually just agree & go on...but inside i'm literally cracking up!!  if they only knew...if they had even a tiny hint at what it's like living my so-called life...they would know better than to even suggest i relax.

there is no such thing as finding any time to relax when your constantly having to keep an eye on a little girl who knows no fear, who doesn't realize any dangers. there is no time to relax when you are trying to quickly fit in a fast-as-lightning shower before jocelyn gets up from a nap...joce's naps, or at least her time shut-up in her bedroom, is the ONLY time you have to fit in a shower...like i said, not very relaxing. it's also hard to relax when you're busy making sure that everything in & around your house is "Angelproof"...lol. it's a constant worry, trust me.

it's also not too relaxing knowing that at any time a stupid seizure can make itself present in your daughter's brain & literally take her from you.  scary thoughts lead to worries...not relaxing. worrying about seizure meds, hoping they are gonna continue to keep working...what happens if these meds stop working, then what?  it's always a constant battle, these seizures. it's not relaxing taking your child to the park for what you believe is gonna be some family fun...when deep down inside you know you're gonna have a freakin break down because you're gonna see all the other kids running & playing while your precious little girl is stuck in that stupid chair!!  you will watch w/ envy as other little girls twirl, dance & prance around in their adorable little boutique outfits...knowing inside you choose not to buy those expensive sets because jocelyn will just crawl around on the ground & ruin them. it's not very relaxing knowing that you can't even take your family out to a restaurant for a nice dinner because you can't deal w/ all the stares you get.  it's sure not relaxing feeling like your daughter is a part of some freak show...especially when you know she's not, she's so much more!!!

even while the kids are gone to school...you still don't relax.  this is the time that you're rushing like crazy to get any & all errands done. this is the time that you are cleaning your home,  doing laundry & all the house-hold chores so that you can be 100% available to your children when they return from school. even when someone else is taking care of joceln for a little while...this is still not time for me to relax, this is the time where i'm doing something w/ the boys, like baseball or football games/practices. there's no slowing down...there's no relaxing.  the most relaxation i can find is LATE at night, when all kids have finally gone to bed & i have just an ounce of peace & quiet...however, these late night moments have a tendency to catch up w/ you come morning...then your super tired, so sometimes even relaxation has its downfall.

maybe someday i will be able to truly find a way to fit relaxing into my life. i think i need it, i know i deserve it...it's just a matter of finding a way & taking some time for myself. who would have ever thought RELAXING could be so stinking hard??? 

Questions I Have, But I Bet Can Never Be Answered...

i've been thinking about so many things lately...things of importance & things that really don't matter.  things that make me cry & things that make me smile. things that happened LONG ago & things that happened yesterday.  as i think about all these things, it brings many questions to my mind.  some questions seem selfish, & some seem petty...but they are my questions, they are things i would truly like to know...but i'm smart enough to realize that even though i'd like to have explanations for these things, i probably won't get any.  maybe someday, when i'm face to face with Jesus, He will give me some kind of closure to these questions that i can't seem to get out of my mind, these haunting thoughts that can at times ruin my day.  maybe i'm wrong, but i feel as if i'm entitled to know why i went thru the struggles & challenges that i have been given...why things didn't always work out the way i would have liked...why certain people in my life were less than helpful & caring.  i have a few questions that i hope can be answered by God someday:

1. Why did my mother have to raise my brother & i by herself?

2. Why did my father choose alcohol & the party lifestyle over being a father to me & michael?

3. Why do some dads leave their own family, just to raise someone else's kids?

4. Why did i always feel inferior to all the other girls in my grade at school? Why did i have to carry such a low self-esteem even though i was smart & had many friends?

5. Why did You encourage me to go to college if Your plan for me was to be a stay-at-home mom of a child w/ special needs?

6. Why did my daughter have to be missing a piece of her Chromosome 15? Why did Angelman Syndrome have to shake up my life? Why do women that don't give a crap about their kids have perfectly healthy children, how can they be so blessed when they don't even appreciate their blessings? Some women can't even have children & they would make the best mother in the world...i just don't get it.

7. Is Jocelyn's disorder a punishment for something i've done in my past?  if so, i feel terrible...she NEVER deserved this!!!

8. Is it possible for someone to care about you even if they don't truly show it?  Will i ever know if they cared, will they finally be able to show emotion or am i staying somewhere that i'm truly not wanted? Have i wasted a large part of my life? man, i sure hope not...

9. If You knew my daughter would be disabled, then why not give me the kind of husband that would be more compassionate to Jocelyn's & even my needs? Why have You not softened John's heart yet, isn't that what Jocelyn should do for a father...soften his heart?

10. How come when Jocelyn has been terribly ill, laying there having seizure after seizure, the kind that can KILL or when she's had crazy metabolic disorders where her body was so toxic that she was in ICU & i was terrified that she may be leaving the hospital in a hearse...how come my father wasn't there to be w/ me, to reassure me that everything would be ok, to sit there & wait it out w/ me...the way he's been there for Brittany? Isn't Jocelyn just as important as Hayden? Doesn't he love her as much? I'm sure he does...but i still get confused. Is this petty?  maybe so, but it's honestly how i feel, some things i've been thinking about. I've even thought about what would have happened if Hayden had to be in a wheelchair, what it would do to Brittany, my dad & judy. i know it would crush them, it's a horrible reality...a wheelchair.  but i've been dealing with a wheelchair for so long now & it just seems like an almost normal way of life for us. i think people forget that it still hurts my heart every time i put jocelyn in that chair...it just reminds me that she's different, that her legs don't work like ours. Why God, do i have to feel this way? Why do i feel like i walk down a road so so bumpy, but no one notices? No one sees me hurt, no one knows how much i cry. No one knows how many times i've prayed for my daughter to say "momma", just one time even. Why do i feel so alone? What is Your plan in this Lord, please let me know!!!

11. Why do some people have children & immediately grow up & be a parent, like myself...yet others, never fully assume that role as mother or father? They must rely so much on their parents' or someone else's help...i guess i just don't understand why providing for children comes so naturally for some & so confusing for others. i will ask again, Lord, if you knew i would be responsible w/ my children, why didn't i have a little girl who could sing & dance?  i know this is Your will, but help me to understand...

12. Why do so many mothers out there seem to be more concerned w/ material things than the true meaning of being a MOTHER? i myself get so offended when i have to listen to women complain about such stupid things, especially when i have to put my daughter in a wheelchair each & everyday...not to mention, i've never heard her say one word, that's right, not even one!!

13. Why do some people just have it so EASY in this life & others literally just struggle & struggle & struggle? i wish i knew how You saw everything, i wish i could truly understand Your plan...but i can't. 

BUT someday i will ask you these things, someday i will expect You to give me some answers to my questions. You will make it all clear for me...You will show me how i have done Your work, how i remained faithful & for what purpose. how Jocelyn's life touched so many people & brought them closer to You, she shares Your message of love without even saying one word.  maybe i understand more than i realize...with each passing day You show me more & more about Your plan. i thank you for being my Saviour, i thank you for listening to me...even when i'm mad, even when i feel sorry for myself...You are the Way, the Truth & the Light...thank you for guiding my path so faithfully!!!